04 May 2017

Using a Paper Planner Again

Last month I began to feel a little out of control. I felt that there were things I needed to do and they were falling through the cracks. This began to bug me more and more, and I decided I needed to do something about it.

My therapist helped to put things in perspective. I was speaking to her about my feelings on the matter and she asked what would be the consequences if I didn’t do the things I was worried about. I had to admit that there were no serious consequences looming. None of the things that I was concerned with were terribly important. But all the same, I felt like I was not as in control of things as I should be. 

The upshot is that I went online and ordered a Franklin Dayplanner (Technically, a Franklin Covey Dayplanner). In the past I used a Franklin for a number of years. It always worked for me. And I seem to do better with a paper planner than trying to do everything digitally. I am using the two pages per day set up. It is what I have always used. I sometimes wonder if a weekly spread would be more helpful. But it does give me lots of room to make notes when I choose, although I am often left with lots of blank space. I have been using the planner for a few weeks now.  Everything I was concerned about is now written down in a trusted system. I feel better. And really, that is the main purpose of the exercise.

My life is really not all that complicated, and I wonder if my planner is overkill. There are other planners that might work for me. But for now, I am committed to faithfully using my planner through June.  By then I will be able to see if I think I am really benefitting by using it.  At that time I will either continue using it or try something different. 

20 May 2014

A European Wish

In considering things I might like to do, one thing that I think of is living in Europe for a year or two. I think it would be fun and educational. Who am i kidding? I don’t care about educational. But I do think it would be fun.

I have often wondered where in Europe I would like to spend this time. A number of places appeal to me. Germany, for instance. Ireland for another. I have no real interest in Eastern Europe. For some reason, the place I have in mind is Norway. I have no real reason why I would choose Norway over any other place. It just seems like fun. I don’t know if my doctor would approve of me eating a Norwegian diet. Of course, I really don’t know what a Norwegian diet consists of. But I guess I would know after a year or two.

Living in Europe for a while seems at this point to be simply a wish that isn’t likely to come true. Possibly even impractical But, one never knows. What would I need to acquire? A passport. More money than I have now. And a sponsor would be nice.  Likely there are a bazillion things I would need that I’m not thinking about right now.

So, there is my wish to see Europe. Think it will come true? Only time will tell.

12 May 2014

The Day Jen Died

She came over in the morning. I drove us to Ace Hardware. Two wheels on my bed frame had broken and I needed replacements. I found what I needed and we bought a couple of sodas at the checkout aisle. We got into the car and I drove her to Wal-Mart. She had seen a pair of pajamas there a couple of days before and had decided to go back and purchase them. She found the pajamas and we spent a little time looking around at some other things. We left there and drove to my new apartment. I had just moved in the day before.  We replaced the two broken wheels on my bed. We then laid down on the floor where the light was shining in the window. We just laid there and talked for quite some time. It was very pleasant. At one point I rolled over and my ear pressed up against her. I said, “You’ll be glad to know that your heart is still beating.” She laughed. After a few more minutes we got up and she decided to go home. I had plans to be at her place that afternoon. So she left. A little while later she began texting me and we had a bit of a conversation. Her last two texts were incoherent. I called her. From her voice it was clear that she wasn’t all there. I told her that I was coming over. When I got there the door was unlocked and Jen was slumped over the bed. I called 911 then I got her on her back and desperately began searching for some sign of life, some indication that she was still with me. I found nothing. At the hospital they managed to restart her heart and put her on a ventilator. But I knew she wasn’t coming back. She was probably gone before I got to her.

07 May 2014

November Mourning

I haven’t posted since November. Something happened in November. Something bad. Very. Very. Bad. Somebody important died.

Somebody who I cared for a great deal. Somebody I loved. Someone who was an integral part of my day to day life. Someone that I counted on being there all the time. But then she just wasn’t there. She was gone, totally and completely and permanently. Suddenly and without warning of any kind. She was alive, and then she was dead. And here I am trying to learn to live with it. The lessons aren’t going so well.

This is the first time in my life that I have had to face anything like this. I feel like I’ve had the insides torn out of me and I have this gaping wound that just won’t stop bleeding. I have never experienced anything like this in my life. I have never faced death like this.

So I keep getting up in the morning and going about my business but I often wonder why. I’ve lost something incredibly important and I can’t get it back. But I have learned a few things. I have learned what loss really is. I have learned what heartache truly feels like. I have become acquainted with sadness on a truly intimate level.

The tenth of November was her birthday. On the 18th I moved into my new apartment. The next day, I lost her. Thanksgiving pretty well sucked. I don’t hold out much hope of next November being any better.

I think I’ll write no more right now, but I am sure I will have other posts on this subject.

I miss you, Jen.

05 November 2013


Something happened last week. It wasn't bad or terrible or dramatic or traumatic (although it felt like it a little bit). In fact, no one knows anything about it, fortunately, because it all took place in my head. This event served as a reminder to me that I have a problem. And that problem is that I don't handle relationships excessively well. I will give some reasons for this.

First is the problem of the Core Conflict, as Dr. A calls it. It is simply this. I struggle with two fears. First is a fear of abandonment. Second is a fear of engulfment. I am afraid of people leaving so I do and say things to try to prevent that, but at the same time I am afraid of losing myself, or my freedom as it were, so I do things to keep them at arms length. As you can easily see, this creates confusing situations for people who are close to me.

There are other issues that are not restricted to relationships but affect other areas of my life as well. The second issue is that I just have an incredibly difficult time making decisions. Big decisions, little decisions, it doesn't matter. I have trouble making them and often attempt to defer to others to make decisions. Ask me where I want to eat and I will probably ask you what you want to eat so that you're deciding. This is bad and you can certainly imagine how it could be a problem with relationships. However, I have recently purchased a car and chosen a new apartment complex to move to without a great deal of angst so hopefully I am improving in this area.

The third issue is that of my feelings. It is related to decisions in that often I don't know what I feel/want. You can see how that would be an issue in my life and my relationships. The second piece of that is that I often feel responsible for the feelings of those around me and I end up making their thoughts and feelings more important than mine. Now, I care about how people around me feel and it is good that I so so, but I have to live my life. For instance, I can't take a vote every time I want to do something and see if people feel like I should do it or not, although admittedly I have done this very thing on a number of occasions. I have to live my life and I have to honor what I think and feel.

Thinking about this subject usually brings me back to something Dr. A used to say to me many, many times. She would say that I was concerning myself with relationships when what I needed to concern myself with was having a life. It is still true.

01 November 2013

Help Me Make It Through The Night

My moods have been somewhat erratic of late. They have a tendency to change quickly. Of course, this is usually true but the problem seems more acute recently. In addition, I also seem to have more depressive aspects than usual. I have been attempting to adjust meds in an effort to alleviate things, but the results have been disappointing. The time of year could certainly be contributing as I do seem to have a seasonal aspect to my symptoms. I am especially concerned about next week. When we change to standard time this weekend it will start getting dark at 1630. I had serious problems with this time of year last year. When it starts getting dark early and I'm home alone I begin to feel lots of anxiety and depression and also some fear. It seems to become an exercise in just trying to make it through the evening. Many evenings are very unpleasant to me. Last year my therapist gave me some suggestions to help. I will have to try some of those again and find ways to make it through the long evenings because my only option is to find someone to sit with me every night. Not a very practical solution.

08 June 2013

More Email Discussion

After more days of reflection, I have decided that I'm being a little too paranoid about hanging on to old email. Plus I have realized that in my purging I definitely got rid of some things that I would rather have kept. Therefore I have decided that I am going to return to my former ways of archiving most of my email and not worrying about it. It will be simpler and less complicated for me. 

My other email decision to make is how many addresses to use. For years I used just one, but, as some of you know, I recently obtained a second address which I have been trying out. It is an iCloud account and seems to mesh better with my iPhone than GMail does. But having two accounts is an extra level of complexity which I may not need. At the moment, I am considering a plan of using the iCloud account for people and the Gmail account for businesses and websites. What do you think?

On a different note, I typed this entire blog post on my iPhone. I've never done that before. I expect to do it more in the future.