Yesterday I promised a run down of possible planner replacements. So here is the rundown of what I'm considering. At the end or each section (except the first) are one or two reviews if you're interested.
1. My Smartphone - It would perform all the functions but for various reasons it just won't work for me at this time. It's strengths are alarms and excellent contact management. Biggest weakness? Can't take proper notes on the damn thing. I would have to carry a separate notebook.
2. Uncalendar - Uncalendar comes without preprinted dates. You fill them in yourself so you can pick it up any day of the year and get a whole year's worth of use out of it. That also means it doesn't come with preprinted holidays, so you can just have the ones that you care about. In my case, that matters. It has all sorts of boxes and places for making lists. Decent goal planning function. Lends itself to customization. Spiral ring bound. I convinced one friend to use it. She now loves it but I still don't use it. But it's really cool. It is also available in 8 1/2 x 11, same as all my other notebooks. Review 1 Review 2
3. Erin Condren Life Planner - It's pretty. It's colorful. It has nifty little pockets. It comes in customizable covers. It has pretty stickers. It's fun. It's clearly marketed to women. But dammit, I want one. I like pretty and colorful and stickers and fun. And it appears to be a very capable monthly/weekly calendar that is well made and spiral bound. Lots of pages for notes. If I had one of these right now, I would be using it and we wouldn't be having this discussion. Review 3 Review 4
4. Franklin Day Planner - You thought after my diatribe yesterday that I was ready to chuck my Franklin in the trash. Hardly. In spite of my current frustrations with it, it is still an incredible tool and has a proven track record of keeping me organized. I even have the original book Hyrum Smith wrote detailing the ins and outs of managing your time and using a Franklin. Perhaps a little rethinking of the situation will enable me to reconcile my relationship with my Franklin. Review 5
So, what do you think? Any comments? Any suggestions? How do you stay organized?
06 April 2012
05 April 2012
Moods and Planning
I have had a rough go of it over the last few weeks. My moods have been somewhat out of control as it were. My concentration and focus have been way off. I'm getting distracted much easier than normal. And normal isn't that great. It's been worse the last three nights and last night was the worst so far. Yesterday I was having a conversation with a friend and I could barely string a complete sentence together. Not to mention the fact that my moods kept shifting and I would go from being aggravated and agitated to weepy very quickly. Now, when things like this happen I am always asked, by multiple people, what triggers it. My immediate answer is always, "How the fuck should I know?" In my defense, that is partly true. I have psychiatric conditions after all and often they just show themselves. But as I have learned through many very painful experiences, emotional shit going on in my life certainly aggravates things. And truthfully, during the last several weeks some emotional shit has been happening. Now some of it I am totally not prepared to discuss here, but I have decided to discuss one thing. This may seem silly to some of you, but before you laugh, just let me tell you that you have no idea on how many emotional levels this affects me. As the saying goes, spend a day in my head before you judge me.
I have been feeling for at least the last four weeks that I am totally disorganized. Those of you who have been keeping up with my blog know how critical it is for me to maintain structure and order in my life. When I don't, things go to hell in a hurry. When I feel disorganized it has a cascading effect for me emotionally. My main weapon in my struggle to be structured and organized is my planning and organizational system. As of late, it has been failing me. At first I considered that perhaps I was just being unfocused or slightly lazy in working the system. This is possible. But as this situation as progressed, I have come to believe that perhaps my beloved Franklin Planner is just no longer the correct tool for this stage in my life. I am in an entirely different place than when I began using it and in many ways I am an entirely different person. So here are some reasons why it may no longer be the right tool for the job.
Reason 1 - Weight and Bulk. My dayplanner, compared to other things I sometimes carry, weighs a lot. Now, it is not a huge burden and I carried it successfully for years. However, I have gotten into the habit of carrying around a bag wherever I go. This is not necessary, but there are some things I deem it good to have with me. Spare medications, stuff for cleaning my glasses, ear buds and bluetooth for my phone should I need them, a book or two for when I find myself in need of something to do, a notebook and/or journal for if I need to write. You get the idea. Now it could be aruged that I don't need to carry all of this, but my dayplanner easily outweighs everything else.
Reason 2 - Rings. My dayplanner has loose-leaf rings. This makes it wonderfully flexible, a trait that I have always appreciated. The downside of loose-leaf rings is that you have to attempt to write around the damn things. This has been a trait which I have always hated. Every other journal and notebook I use is spiral bound. I prefer them because they are much easier to write on and can be folded over flat, thus saving room and making writing that much easier. It may be time for my planner to become spiral bound as well.
Reason 3 - Two page view. My Franklin Dayplanner has what is known as a two-page-per-day view. That is when it is open to today, it shows just today. It works well, You have plenty of room for recording as much detail as you wish. However, the naked truth of the matter is that I have never recorded that much detail in my dayplanner in my entire life. At the end of the year, most of my pages are blank. Even when I was in college, I was never much of a note taker. In other words, most of my planner pages go to waste. I have come to the opinion that I would probably be better served by having a weekly spread rather than a daily spread.
Reason 4 - To Do List (or in FranklinCovey lingo, Prioritized Daily Task List. The task list in my dayplanner as spaces for 33 tasks. I have a problem with trying to fill them up. I mean, that's why they are there, yes? Lately I have been getting close. Do you know what happens in my brain when I see a list of 30 tasks which I think I need to get done that day? Especially when I know it's not going to happen? It ain't pretty. Now I know all about prioritizing and just doing what you can but still, that leaves a whole bunch for tomorrow. Plus new ones and I can quickly feel overwhelmed, to say the least. And the truth is that there are very few tasks that absolutely must be done on a specific day. Once again, I am thinking that a weekly spread with tasks for the week that can be sprinkled throughout the week would be more beneficial to me.
Reason 5 - Time Slots. On each and every day in my planner is a grid with time slots stretching from 0600 to 2300. I don't need this. My life is not appointment driven. I don't need prefabbed time slots which rarely get used.
Reason 6 - Everyday Tasks. There are several things that I do each day which I find helpful to put in my planner. Things like taking meds and having my walk (which, by the way, has now been done for 46 consecutive days. Yay for me!). As things stand now, I must write these into my planner each and every day of my life. I need a system where I can write them in once for say a week and just check them off each day. Same result, lot less work.
Ok, so this is what I'm thinking. What do you think? Am I on the right track? Am I just crazy? (Wait, don't answer that one). Tomorrow I will share some new options I've discovered.
I have been feeling for at least the last four weeks that I am totally disorganized. Those of you who have been keeping up with my blog know how critical it is for me to maintain structure and order in my life. When I don't, things go to hell in a hurry. When I feel disorganized it has a cascading effect for me emotionally. My main weapon in my struggle to be structured and organized is my planning and organizational system. As of late, it has been failing me. At first I considered that perhaps I was just being unfocused or slightly lazy in working the system. This is possible. But as this situation as progressed, I have come to believe that perhaps my beloved Franklin Planner is just no longer the correct tool for this stage in my life. I am in an entirely different place than when I began using it and in many ways I am an entirely different person. So here are some reasons why it may no longer be the right tool for the job.
Reason 1 - Weight and Bulk. My dayplanner, compared to other things I sometimes carry, weighs a lot. Now, it is not a huge burden and I carried it successfully for years. However, I have gotten into the habit of carrying around a bag wherever I go. This is not necessary, but there are some things I deem it good to have with me. Spare medications, stuff for cleaning my glasses, ear buds and bluetooth for my phone should I need them, a book or two for when I find myself in need of something to do, a notebook and/or journal for if I need to write. You get the idea. Now it could be aruged that I don't need to carry all of this, but my dayplanner easily outweighs everything else.
Reason 2 - Rings. My dayplanner has loose-leaf rings. This makes it wonderfully flexible, a trait that I have always appreciated. The downside of loose-leaf rings is that you have to attempt to write around the damn things. This has been a trait which I have always hated. Every other journal and notebook I use is spiral bound. I prefer them because they are much easier to write on and can be folded over flat, thus saving room and making writing that much easier. It may be time for my planner to become spiral bound as well.
Reason 3 - Two page view. My Franklin Dayplanner has what is known as a two-page-per-day view. That is when it is open to today, it shows just today. It works well, You have plenty of room for recording as much detail as you wish. However, the naked truth of the matter is that I have never recorded that much detail in my dayplanner in my entire life. At the end of the year, most of my pages are blank. Even when I was in college, I was never much of a note taker. In other words, most of my planner pages go to waste. I have come to the opinion that I would probably be better served by having a weekly spread rather than a daily spread.
Reason 4 - To Do List (or in FranklinCovey lingo, Prioritized Daily Task List. The task list in my dayplanner as spaces for 33 tasks. I have a problem with trying to fill them up. I mean, that's why they are there, yes? Lately I have been getting close. Do you know what happens in my brain when I see a list of 30 tasks which I think I need to get done that day? Especially when I know it's not going to happen? It ain't pretty. Now I know all about prioritizing and just doing what you can but still, that leaves a whole bunch for tomorrow. Plus new ones and I can quickly feel overwhelmed, to say the least. And the truth is that there are very few tasks that absolutely must be done on a specific day. Once again, I am thinking that a weekly spread with tasks for the week that can be sprinkled throughout the week would be more beneficial to me.
Reason 5 - Time Slots. On each and every day in my planner is a grid with time slots stretching from 0600 to 2300. I don't need this. My life is not appointment driven. I don't need prefabbed time slots which rarely get used.
Reason 6 - Everyday Tasks. There are several things that I do each day which I find helpful to put in my planner. Things like taking meds and having my walk (which, by the way, has now been done for 46 consecutive days. Yay for me!). As things stand now, I must write these into my planner each and every day of my life. I need a system where I can write them in once for say a week and just check them off each day. Same result, lot less work.
Ok, so this is what I'm thinking. What do you think? Am I on the right track? Am I just crazy? (Wait, don't answer that one). Tomorrow I will share some new options I've discovered.
03 April 2012
NAMIWalks Update
I've gotten myself registered for the NAMIWalks on 14 April. I won't bore you with all the details here, because you can find them on my very own personal NAMIWalks site, which you will find right here: www.nami.org/namiwalks12/NTN/bazalkryn Go there and check it out. If you have any questions please ask. Also, if anyone wants to walk with me, that would be cool. Also, If you might be free to provide transportation to and from the walk for me, that would be good because as you know my poor old car is not totally reliable these days.
29 March 2012
NAMIWalk
Just wanted to make a brief post. While at the VA today visiting my Psychologist, I saw a flyer for a NAMIWalk here in Nashville on 14 April. It is the first I've heard about it and I don't know all the details yet, but here's a link: NAMIWalk. NAMI stands for National Alliance on Mental Illness. The purpose of the walk is to raise money for the organization and to raise awareness of Mental Illness issues, especially the stigma that is still associated with having a mental illness. Anyone who has read this blog is aware of why such issues are important to me. In the next few days I should have more details to share about this. In the meantime, if you are local you might want to think about walking. Also, be thinking about if you would like to sponsor me. And by the way, today was day 39 for my walking. Cool, eh?
28 March 2012
Odds and Ends
Greetings and salutations. My, but it's been quite some time since I have said anything here. Admittedly, that is mostly due to the fact that focusing on things and getting them done are issues for me. But at any rate, let's cover a few things which have happened recently.
This morning I took a walk. Not incredibly exciting in and of itself, I suppose. However, this walk represented the 38th consecutive day that I have walked. I don't travel incredibly far, and the walk takes 30 to 40 minutes depending how fast I go, but it does represent a huge increase in my activity level. I also am quite pleased with the fact that I have maintained the discipline to keep doing it. My plan is to hit 50 days and then to consider increasing the distance.
A week from Friday, I will be starting a new therapy program with my Psychologist. It is called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. I don't know lots about it yet, except that it will consist of 12 sessions over about a 24 week period. It will involve lots of homework and journaling. My psychologist is pretty excited about it so I assume it will be a good thing.
Something that I am dealing with lately is relationships. Now I'm the first one to say that relationships are just about the most important things in our earthly experience. Without them, existence can be pretty empty. But the truth of the matter is that relationships can be and often are a source of frustration, aggravation, stress and hurt. Now let's admit that I have a certain level of incompetence in relationships. Oh, I get along ok with people, but I don't hit on all cylinders. Also, this is exacerbated when the other person is a female. Also, I have quite a bit of pathology which comes into play in my relationships. Well, there is a lot more that I considered writing about this topic, but what the hell good would it do? It's clear to me that I need to rethink my relationships and how I do them. I seem to get way more stress and aggravation out of them than is good for me.
Well, there you go. I'll try not to wait so long before the next post. :-)
This morning I took a walk. Not incredibly exciting in and of itself, I suppose. However, this walk represented the 38th consecutive day that I have walked. I don't travel incredibly far, and the walk takes 30 to 40 minutes depending how fast I go, but it does represent a huge increase in my activity level. I also am quite pleased with the fact that I have maintained the discipline to keep doing it. My plan is to hit 50 days and then to consider increasing the distance.
A week from Friday, I will be starting a new therapy program with my Psychologist. It is called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. I don't know lots about it yet, except that it will consist of 12 sessions over about a 24 week period. It will involve lots of homework and journaling. My psychologist is pretty excited about it so I assume it will be a good thing.
Something that I am dealing with lately is relationships. Now I'm the first one to say that relationships are just about the most important things in our earthly experience. Without them, existence can be pretty empty. But the truth of the matter is that relationships can be and often are a source of frustration, aggravation, stress and hurt. Now let's admit that I have a certain level of incompetence in relationships. Oh, I get along ok with people, but I don't hit on all cylinders. Also, this is exacerbated when the other person is a female. Also, I have quite a bit of pathology which comes into play in my relationships. Well, there is a lot more that I considered writing about this topic, but what the hell good would it do? It's clear to me that I need to rethink my relationships and how I do them. I seem to get way more stress and aggravation out of them than is good for me.
Well, there you go. I'll try not to wait so long before the next post. :-)
10 February 2012
What The Hell
Ok, everyone. I have good news for you. Today's blog post is interactive. And multimedia. Sorta. Get ready to have some fun!
Recently, I discovered the song "What the Hell," by Avril Lavigne. If you go to this link, you will find the song on YouTube, complete with lyrics. You might as well listen to it now, or else you really won't get what I'm going to talk about. Don't worry, I'll be here when you finish (Disclaimer: if you prefer to live in a totally G-rated world, don't listen to the song. But if that is your preference, why the hell are you reading my blog?).
Recently, I discovered the song "What the Hell," by Avril Lavigne. If you go to this link, you will find the song on YouTube, complete with lyrics. You might as well listen to it now, or else you really won't get what I'm going to talk about. Don't worry, I'll be here when you finish (Disclaimer: if you prefer to live in a totally G-rated world, don't listen to the song. But if that is your preference, why the hell are you reading my blog?).
Welcome back. Did you enjoy the song? It struck a chord with me because, well, I can sort of relate to it. Now naturally, I can't relate to absolutely every word, but the major themes, yes. All my life I've been good (well, at least up until 2006). Believe me when I tell you, I was good a hell of a lot longer than Avril. And no doubt I was a lot more gooder than she was. I was a good kid and I went straight to being a good adult and did that for a long time. It didn't occur to me to do anything else. You see, for various reasons, I was denied a proper youth. This has been pointed out to me by multiple mental health providers over the last couple of years. I hold a number of people and institutions responsible for my missing youth, but we'll not dwell on that here. The bottom line is that the things most people do and learn between the ages of 18 and 24, I never learned and did. I didn't begin learning until, well, until a lot later than that. And the part of the song that talks about not caring what someone else thinks? That is a very hard lesson I've been desperately trying to learn. I have made progress, but I'm not there yet. Blogging helps in this regard, because I'm learning to write whatever the hell I want and to not concern myself if someone happens to read it and be "displeased."
It is true that now I'm not quite so good as I spent most of my life being, and I am learning to say, "What the hell" more often. I think I am entitled to learn to have a little fun and mess around and have time to play. And of course be a little crazy. But I wouldn't say I've been bad (naturally, I understand that depends upon the way one defines good and bad). I would say in my case it is more like what John Denver wrote in his song "Sweet Surrender." "There's nothing behind me and nothing that ties me to something that might have been true yesterday" (Yes, you might as well listen to that song as well. You will find it at this link. Yes, I'll wait for you). I'm learning, albeit slowly, that I do not have to be held hostage by things that were true in the past.
It is true that now I'm not quite so good as I spent most of my life being, and I am learning to say, "What the hell" more often. I think I am entitled to learn to have a little fun and mess around and have time to play. And of course be a little crazy. But I wouldn't say I've been bad (naturally, I understand that depends upon the way one defines good and bad). I would say in my case it is more like what John Denver wrote in his song "Sweet Surrender." "There's nothing behind me and nothing that ties me to something that might have been true yesterday" (Yes, you might as well listen to that song as well. You will find it at this link. Yes, I'll wait for you). I'm learning, albeit slowly, that I do not have to be held hostage by things that were true in the past.
This isn't the first time I've found myself being inspired by a song sung by a young female. The last time it was Fergie's "Big Girls Don't Cry (Yes, you need to listen to this one as well. Click this link. It also has lyrics. This song is basically about telling people, even people you care about, that you need time to take care of yourself, and taking care of yourself is your priority. This is hard for me. After all, I was well trained that I didn't matter, that everyone else was more important than me and that I should be concerned with their needs rather than mine. If you follow this philosophy it will eventually cause you lots of grief, take my word for it.
I often take inspiration from songs, but one might ask why I would be drawn towards songs by young females. Well, part of the reason stems from the fact that over the last year and a half I have had experiences similar to young females. It is generally (as I understand these things, and I am not a trained mental health professional) that people who receive the diagnoses I have and learn those things about themselves tend to be females in their twenties (See this for review). And for what it's worth, a Wiccan Priestess once told me that I had strong female energies, which, as I understand it, is supposed to be a good thing. As for me, I'm basically of the opinion that I'll take some inspiration anywhere I can find it, whether it be in songs by young women or old men. Or even in Mr. Denver's case, from someone who has passed on. I'm fighting to survive here and that trumps everything else.
It all comes down to this: All my life I've been good, and it hasn't done shit for me. So now I'm thinking, what the hell.
I often take inspiration from songs, but one might ask why I would be drawn towards songs by young females. Well, part of the reason stems from the fact that over the last year and a half I have had experiences similar to young females. It is generally (as I understand these things, and I am not a trained mental health professional) that people who receive the diagnoses I have and learn those things about themselves tend to be females in their twenties (See this for review). And for what it's worth, a Wiccan Priestess once told me that I had strong female energies, which, as I understand it, is supposed to be a good thing. As for me, I'm basically of the opinion that I'll take some inspiration anywhere I can find it, whether it be in songs by young women or old men. Or even in Mr. Denver's case, from someone who has passed on. I'm fighting to survive here and that trumps everything else.
It all comes down to this: All my life I've been good, and it hasn't done shit for me. So now I'm thinking, what the hell.
06 February 2012
My Spiritual History
As you might recall from my bio page, one of the topics which interests me is spirituality. I find it interesting to discuss spiritual topics and also the different spiritual paths which people choose to follow. Notice that I said "discuss." I am not interested in preaching or proselytizing or arguing or anything else of the sort. Ultimately, what you choose to think about spirituality and what path or paths you may choose to follow (or not follow) is solely your business and other people should not harass you about it. Indeed, even the decision to discuss the subject is yours alone to make. Some hold that spirituality is totally private and choose not to share with anyone else at all. I find this totally legitimate and I support such a decision. Other people, such as myself, enjoy discussing the subject and I also find this to be a legitimate choice. I am all about freedom and tolerance in all things spiritual. I also support the right to choose to not believe, as it were. One of my dear friends is an atheist and we enjoy discussing the subject and I would be unhappy with anyone who gave her shit about it.
I say all of this because I have decided to do what many people don't, and that is to spend some time briefly laying out my spiritual background and current path and direction. This is not an attempt to get someone to believe as I do. I find that idea to be somewhat repulsive. I am, of course, happy to discuss the subject, but only to share information (and to have fun!). But always I encourage everyone to follow his or her own path and not mine.
There are some reasons that I choose to share what I'm about to and what I will also share in the future. The first is, as I said, because I enjoy discussing such things. The second is that this is my blog and I consider my spirituality to be an important part of who I am. Thirdly, I do struggle with mental health issues, as you know. I find that when I am "exercising" my spiritual self, if you will, that it helps me in my efforts to maintain mental and emotional balance. Lastly, I have always believed that spirituality and/or deeply held religious beliefs are pretty pointless if they do not affect one's real life. If I am a spiritual being and I exercise that part of me then it will affect all parts of my life. If my spirituality does not affect my "real life," then you may rightly question whether or not I am pursuing a spiritual path.
Many people would choose not to share the things that I am about to share and that is perfectly understandable and acceptable. For me however, sharing is the right choice. Discussing and being open about where I am spiritually is, quite frankly, part of my spirituality. It is one way to make it real for me. Plus, I tend to be fairly open and up front with people. A third, and, I admit, less altruistic reason, is that for most of my life I found it necessary to hide behind masks and I was not really allowed to say who I was or what was really happening inside of me. I have sworn that I will never live like that again.
A couple of weeks ago, I posted that I had recently begun working with a spiritual mentor (Of course, I call this person my "Jedi Master" for fun). Before we began working together I was required to write a brief outline of my spiritual background, including where I've been, where I am and why, and where I'm headed. This document was of course very brief, but does touch on the basics of my life as a spiritual being. What follows is the content of that document. It is rather personal. If you don't like people baring their souls in their blogs, you should stop reading now. Also, remember this is my story. I refer to my experiences with the spiritual path I once followed. I don't imply that the experience of other followers would be the same. Again, I have no intention of talking anybody out of what they believe. I'm simply sharing my experiences. Some will find it interesting, some not. Some will like what I say, some will not. That's all part of the fun! Enjoy.
I began attending a fundamentalist type church when I was in the fourth grade. I attended with a friend the first week. For some reason my mother took myself and my siblings back the next week. We were there all the time after that. I liked the church and the people in it. I quickly became a true believer. The fundamentalism really appealed to my cognitive side. You had a book and all the answers to all the questions you needed to answer to live your life. Read the book, learn the answers, repeat them on the test. Plus, then you could give those answers to other people who needed them. The Bible was all important and we learned the Bible. Our books for Sunday School asked a question, one read the relevant biblical passage, then wrote the answer from the Bible into your question book. You knew for yourself that the answers came from the Bible because you looked them up.
This is pretty much how my spiritual life went for most of my life. I was a magnificent Bible student. I read and studied for myself, read and studied for classes, read and studied for Bible classes in the private schools I began attending in the 8Th grade, read and studied for classes I taught, etc, etc. Eventually I went to Bible College and studied some more. Then I became a pastor and was studying for sermons and lessons and speaking engagements. I loved this aspect of my “spirituality.”
All this time, however, I didn’t really feel spiritual. I knew about everything there was to know, but I never experienced anything. I didn’t “feel” God. He didn’t really talk to me. No matter how much I prayed, I still never got any clear answers about my life. God never spoke to me. I loved Jesus as well as I knew how, but it was all cognitive. My emotions were rarely, if ever, engaged. I have recently learned that this was true for my whole life. In point of fact, I was never really encouraged to use my emotions. After all, Faith was based on God’s Word. Emotions were not reliable. Do what the manual said regardless of how you felt. I cannot begin to explain the damage this has done to me and my life.
I was a pastor from 1999 until 2004. I always tried to do my best. I taught. I tried to help people. This was the pinnacle of the way I had followed since I was nine-years-old. It also turned out to be the beginning of the end of my faith. I was surprised to learn how abusive and evil church people could be. I was not prepared to be a pastor and then to be treated like shit by those who called me to be their pastor. I eventually left the ministry, due in part to the physical toll the whole deal was taking on me. After that, my fall from grace began in earnest.
It all began with a simple question: If God lives inside of his people, then how can they behave the way that they do. How can people act so bad and evil if God lives in them? The Bible says that God lives inside of his people so shouldn't that keep them from acting this way? I finally came to a conclusion: Christians didn’t behave any differently than any other people group. This answer changed everything. It became the death knell of my faith. Christianity’s claim of uniqueness is based on the person of Jesus Christ, that he is alive, and that he indwells his followers. That means his followers must be different than everyone else. They aren’t: therefore, Jesus does not live in them, and the Bible, which is very clear on that fact, is wrong.
Having worked through this conundrum, more questions came rapidly. And I was different. I allowed myself to ask questions which I never would have before. I was also no longer willing to accept the party line answers. The answers needed to make sense. If God created me with an intellect, it made no sense to tell me I was not allowed to use it, especially in matters of this importance. So I continued to ask my questions and seek my answers. After a while, I had reached a point where I could no longer truthfully refer to myself as a Christian. So I don’t. And what is worse, I have come to believe that my lifetime of Christianity has damaged me in ways that I can now recognize and in ways that I will probably never realize.
For the last five years or so, I have had no “spirituality,” per se. But I have been reading. I have read books on atheism, paganism, Wicca, the Tarot, etc. At this time I seem to be drawn to pagan/Wiccan ideas. My reasons are as follows:
I say all of this because I have decided to do what many people don't, and that is to spend some time briefly laying out my spiritual background and current path and direction. This is not an attempt to get someone to believe as I do. I find that idea to be somewhat repulsive. I am, of course, happy to discuss the subject, but only to share information (and to have fun!). But always I encourage everyone to follow his or her own path and not mine.
There are some reasons that I choose to share what I'm about to and what I will also share in the future. The first is, as I said, because I enjoy discussing such things. The second is that this is my blog and I consider my spirituality to be an important part of who I am. Thirdly, I do struggle with mental health issues, as you know. I find that when I am "exercising" my spiritual self, if you will, that it helps me in my efforts to maintain mental and emotional balance. Lastly, I have always believed that spirituality and/or deeply held religious beliefs are pretty pointless if they do not affect one's real life. If I am a spiritual being and I exercise that part of me then it will affect all parts of my life. If my spirituality does not affect my "real life," then you may rightly question whether or not I am pursuing a spiritual path.
Many people would choose not to share the things that I am about to share and that is perfectly understandable and acceptable. For me however, sharing is the right choice. Discussing and being open about where I am spiritually is, quite frankly, part of my spirituality. It is one way to make it real for me. Plus, I tend to be fairly open and up front with people. A third, and, I admit, less altruistic reason, is that for most of my life I found it necessary to hide behind masks and I was not really allowed to say who I was or what was really happening inside of me. I have sworn that I will never live like that again.
A couple of weeks ago, I posted that I had recently begun working with a spiritual mentor (Of course, I call this person my "Jedi Master" for fun). Before we began working together I was required to write a brief outline of my spiritual background, including where I've been, where I am and why, and where I'm headed. This document was of course very brief, but does touch on the basics of my life as a spiritual being. What follows is the content of that document. It is rather personal. If you don't like people baring their souls in their blogs, you should stop reading now. Also, remember this is my story. I refer to my experiences with the spiritual path I once followed. I don't imply that the experience of other followers would be the same. Again, I have no intention of talking anybody out of what they believe. I'm simply sharing my experiences. Some will find it interesting, some not. Some will like what I say, some will not. That's all part of the fun! Enjoy.
I began attending a fundamentalist type church when I was in the fourth grade. I attended with a friend the first week. For some reason my mother took myself and my siblings back the next week. We were there all the time after that. I liked the church and the people in it. I quickly became a true believer. The fundamentalism really appealed to my cognitive side. You had a book and all the answers to all the questions you needed to answer to live your life. Read the book, learn the answers, repeat them on the test. Plus, then you could give those answers to other people who needed them. The Bible was all important and we learned the Bible. Our books for Sunday School asked a question, one read the relevant biblical passage, then wrote the answer from the Bible into your question book. You knew for yourself that the answers came from the Bible because you looked them up.
This is pretty much how my spiritual life went for most of my life. I was a magnificent Bible student. I read and studied for myself, read and studied for classes, read and studied for Bible classes in the private schools I began attending in the 8Th grade, read and studied for classes I taught, etc, etc. Eventually I went to Bible College and studied some more. Then I became a pastor and was studying for sermons and lessons and speaking engagements. I loved this aspect of my “spirituality.”
All this time, however, I didn’t really feel spiritual. I knew about everything there was to know, but I never experienced anything. I didn’t “feel” God. He didn’t really talk to me. No matter how much I prayed, I still never got any clear answers about my life. God never spoke to me. I loved Jesus as well as I knew how, but it was all cognitive. My emotions were rarely, if ever, engaged. I have recently learned that this was true for my whole life. In point of fact, I was never really encouraged to use my emotions. After all, Faith was based on God’s Word. Emotions were not reliable. Do what the manual said regardless of how you felt. I cannot begin to explain the damage this has done to me and my life.
I was a pastor from 1999 until 2004. I always tried to do my best. I taught. I tried to help people. This was the pinnacle of the way I had followed since I was nine-years-old. It also turned out to be the beginning of the end of my faith. I was surprised to learn how abusive and evil church people could be. I was not prepared to be a pastor and then to be treated like shit by those who called me to be their pastor. I eventually left the ministry, due in part to the physical toll the whole deal was taking on me. After that, my fall from grace began in earnest.
It all began with a simple question: If God lives inside of his people, then how can they behave the way that they do. How can people act so bad and evil if God lives in them? The Bible says that God lives inside of his people so shouldn't that keep them from acting this way? I finally came to a conclusion: Christians didn’t behave any differently than any other people group. This answer changed everything. It became the death knell of my faith. Christianity’s claim of uniqueness is based on the person of Jesus Christ, that he is alive, and that he indwells his followers. That means his followers must be different than everyone else. They aren’t: therefore, Jesus does not live in them, and the Bible, which is very clear on that fact, is wrong.
Having worked through this conundrum, more questions came rapidly. And I was different. I allowed myself to ask questions which I never would have before. I was also no longer willing to accept the party line answers. The answers needed to make sense. If God created me with an intellect, it made no sense to tell me I was not allowed to use it, especially in matters of this importance. So I continued to ask my questions and seek my answers. After a while, I had reached a point where I could no longer truthfully refer to myself as a Christian. So I don’t. And what is worse, I have come to believe that my lifetime of Christianity has damaged me in ways that I can now recognize and in ways that I will probably never realize.
For the last five years or so, I have had no “spirituality,” per se. But I have been reading. I have read books on atheism, paganism, Wicca, the Tarot, etc. At this time I seem to be drawn to pagan/Wiccan ideas. My reasons are as follows:
- To have the freedom to explore my spirituality without criticism from others who wish to tell me I’m wrong or doing it incorrectly
- To truly feel connected to the divine
- To rediscover my place in the natural order. I am part of nature and the ecosystem. I, like most others in my world, have forgotten this
- To have a spirituality that embraces both female and male and is not patriarchal
- To have a spirituality that contains a clear moral code but is not burdensome.
- To try to learn to stop being afraid of going to hell. I fear that I will spend the rest of my life fearing death.
- To have a spirituality that respects the beliefs of others and has no need to proselytize
- To have a spirituality that is truly mine and not simply adherence to someone else’s dogma
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)